Where do I send my resume?
OK, here's a job I want -- reviewing and approving names of gambling parlors. The House of Delegates passed an amendment that would give the Lottery Commission to approve names on a case-by-case basis.
If I were the one in charge, I'd automatically reject anything with Shop spelled "Shoppe" and most definitely anything with a misplaced apostrophe.

Other randomness
Today's column by Don Surber cracks me up. I'm generally amused by anything that contains the phrase "Six Flags Over Calhoun County.


Mr. Powerball update
In other news -- there's a person in Princeton who shares his name with Mr. Powerball, and he's none too amused by the requests for cash, request for interviews, etc. that he keeps getting.

Meanwhile, people are coming forward to defend Mr. Powerball and tell about all the good he's done with his winnings.

Icky is In
It's official -- you can go ahead and put up the "Icky 4 Gov" signs in your yard, if you're so inclined.

Note to Self: Go on South Beach Diet Before Jail Break
Some Einstein tried to escape from the South Central Regional Jail in Charleston. One problem -- he got stuck in the window. Had he successfully gotten through the window, he still would have had to negotiate other layers of security, such as razor wire.

The window was 6 inches wide and 3 ft. tall. The inmate was 5-10, 165 pounds. He managed to get his head and one shoulder & arm outside the window. After the Jaws of Life didn't work, they used a torch to cut the window frame and get him out.

When asked why he wanted to leave the cozy confines of the jail, my unnamed source said the man replied, "I heard some dude is driving around Charleston with hundreds of thousands of dollars in his car, and I said to myself, 'I want to get me some of that.'"

All manner of precipitation
Except hail. We've not had hail in the past 24 hours. An oversight on the part of Mother Nature, I'm sure.

Guess who's in the news again
This time Mr. Powerball was charged with DUI, but he claims he shouldn't be charged since he was sitting along the side of the road with no keys in the car (how did he get there without keys, I ask?). The officers say the keys were in the ignition and the car was running.

This story has been picked up nationally, I'm sure. I heard it on Paul Harvey tonight.

A tad about Tad
So, yesterday I'd written the following, but neglected to put it here 'cause I thought I'd wait for opening day of the movie:

According to this story in the Herald-Dispatch, the 'Tad Hamilton' movie portrays WV in a positive light. I've also heard local TV anchors say the same thing after they interviewed people who went to the premier last week in Beckley. WV got to host a premier because some scenes of the movie were shot in Fayette County. I don't know -- I really hope they're right about it being positive, but I guess I'll not really believe it until I see it myself.

And today the movie's out and the Brooklyn Hillbilly sends me this link to a story about the movie. Guess I was right to be skeptical. Here's a bit to whet your appetite: "West Virginia is Hollywood's piñata. Whenever there's the need for a) inbred cannibals, or b) backwoods yokels, producers take a swing at the poor, defenseless state. 'Win a Date With Tad Hamilton!' places an order for 'b.'"

For the record, I have never, ever heard anyone in WV say "shake-a-doo" and there aren't any Piggly Wiggly stores in WV. There is, however, one in Virginia, as well as numerous stores in Mississippi, our arch rival in contests of poverty, obesity, education, etc.

I want to believe, darn it
I still want to believe in Churchill's 104-year-old cursing parrot, but Jerry sent me this link to a discussion on his site that casts doubt on the whole story. Boo, hiss. Tis not nice to joke about such things.

Well, maybe if there's no foul-mouthed parrot, maybe there really are martians up there fiddling around with the Rover. (does that sound dirty to anyone besides me?)

Southern Horoscope
A friend forwarded me a horoscope for Southerners. While I've never really thought of myself as a Southerner, I suppose since I was born south of the Mason-Dixon Line, the following must apply (especially, it seems, the last sentence):

BOLL WEEVIL (dates deleted...sorry...don't want to be overwhelmed by you're-over-the-hill gifts) -- You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Here's the Brooklyn Hillbilly's, which I find pretty funny:

OKRA: Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. (note: Moon Pies are characterized as "big and round" and they "spend a lot of time on the front porch.")

More on 'Who Wants to Steal J. Whittaker's Money Part II"
This article contains the phrase "temporarily robbed of" when describing the August incident during which he had $545,000 in cash and cashier's checks taken from his vehicle. You know, when the money was taken and then reappeared stashed in the bushes by the renowned Pink Pony strip club. I wonder how many times "temporarily robbed of" has been used in crime reporting? Only in WV.

The curse of good fortune, part 3 (or 4? I'm losing track)
Good grief - the guy's never going to learn. For the second time in less than a year, Mr. Powerball has had cash stolen from his vehicle. I implore you, do NOT store large wads of cash in your vehicles!!! Nor in your pants pockets!!!

(See also the July incident of Williamstown man having large sum of cash stolen from his vehicle trunk -- link to original story no longer working, but here's my blog entry.)

This may well be my favorite news story of the year: Churchill's foul-mouth parrot alive at 104

Cranky hillbilly blows some steam
I love sportscasters -- really, I do -- but sometimes they say things that absolutely drive me nuts.

Blow.

They seem to think it sounds perfectly fine to substitute "blow" for "rest" or "a break."

"Now Coach will put in Sam to give Bob a blow."

YIKES! And then the other guy will agree with the coach's decision, saying something like, "Yeah, you've just got to give those starters a blow. They can't play the full 40 minutes."

That's right -- everybody needs a blow.

A few minutes pass, and starter Bob is ready to go back in the game.

"Well, Bob's had his blow, so he's back in the game. Let's see what he can do with this pressure d(efense)."

Sometimes they comment on the length of the blow. "That was certainly a quick blow for Bob. I hope he's ready to get back out there and give 110 percent." (110 percent - yet another gripe, but I give up on that)

As you might guess, some blows are better than others, so occasionally the quality of blow merits comment. "That was a good blow for Bob. Only two minutes on the clock, but with those foul shots and the officials' time out, he got a good four or five minutes."

Perhaps even worse is this word order that cuts out a few words but has unsettling results: "OK, now Bob comes in to blow Sam." Really, I swear to you I've heard them say that.

And when there's a change in who's blowing who, that's definitely noteworthy. "This is interesting, (insert catchy broadcast name of co-host). Usually you see John blowing Sam, but tonight Coach will have Steve give him a blow."

ACK! Are you listening to what you're saying? I know it's a game and sickos like me aren't supposed to have such dirty minds, but good grief. I'm wondering what word with sexual connotations will next be added to the sportscaster lexicon.

OK, look at the picture of Gov. Wise posted here (and many other places) and tell me you don't immediately think eBay. "By God, we sold the state!" He exclaimed.

If you look at the super-high resolution version here, you can see he's actually talking about bonds.

Neat freak
A Martinsburg firefighter was fed up with his mom's messy house, so he just set fire to it. Nothing says, "It's time to clean, Mom," like a charred house.

State of the State JL
I didn't get to watch the governor's state of the state address tonight, but I am a big enough dork to fire up the computer to go check the media reports. Those of you on the JL watch will be pleased to know that she was in the chambers and, according to MetroNews, got the "loudest and most sustained applause."

Outbid
Darn it, just when I sign off eBay, someone puts the state up for auction! Martha from Kentucky (who sends the best things to me) sent this link -- scroll alllllllll the way down -- that discusses the eBay thing AND an interesting stat about West Virginians paying more for powder cocaine than just about all the rest of the country (is there a cocaine tax??? now there's an idea!). A US attorney in WV uses the "h" word when commenting on the matter: "Maybe people have the ideas that us poor hillbillies in the backwoods will pay more for our drugs."

UPDATE: Here's some more on the comment about the drug prices.

The WV lottery version of Taboo
Somebody slap me with a corncob pipe. I'm horribly tardy (sorry) in linking to this editorial that's a perfect illustration of the nonsensical ye shall not call a casino a casino edict. Here are some examples of the words, according to the editorial, that cannot be used to advertise gambling:
Riverboat - because of the riverboat gambling connotation
Rainbow - because rainbows symbolize luck (unless sighted in southern WV immediately following torrential downpour)
Vega - derivative of Vegas. So, if your last name is Vega (there's one in my phone book), don't think of naming your lottery establishment after yourself.
insurance - unclear if the alternative spelling - INshornce - is permissable, but I'm guessing not

'Survivor'-ing
Martha in Kentucky sent me a photo that appeared in the Sunday Herald-Dispatch. Tonight I went to the HD website to find the photo and story and here's what I found. My favorite quote in the story is one of the contestants who says, "I figured it would be easier to go on ‘Survivor’ and win a million than have to go down to the Pink Pony and give Jack Whittaker a lap dance."

Soldier from WV helps haul in Saddam
A soldier originally from Harman was in on the capture of Saddam.

Cat fight! Cat fight!
This is a great prelude to the legislative session that starts next week.

And just for you folks in southern WV
There's another "Survivor" casting call -- at the Huntington Mall Saturday. And in this story in the Daily Mail you can read what the esteemed Gilligan has to say about the show and the local casting call.

Here's an idea -- I think they should try an all-Appalachian Survivor. Oh, wouldn't the TV execs have a ball with that? "Our survivor contestants will be dropped onto a tropical island with only a hammer dulcimer, a double wedding ring quilt and a jar of apple butter!" The challenges would be things like a tall tale telling contest, chainsaw wood-carving and perhaps a coal mine-athlon. "Will the alliances follow the Mason-Dixon line?! TUNE IN AND FIND OUT!!! Who knows what these crazy hillbillies will do!"

If they do pick a West Virginian, I hope it's a really hunky young professional guy with a full set of teeth and absolutely no discernible accent -- someone who will not utter the phrase "I got me a boat" repeatedly (oh, what a bad blind date that was). And then, when that guy wins the big bucks on Survivor, he can give me a call -- haha.

Speaking of people with money, guess who's in the headlines again -- our favorite Powerball winner!

Hillbilly Survivor?
A "Survivor" casting call is planned for the Meadowbrook Mall in Bridgeport Friday (source: AP story posted on wvgazette.com). "We're not sure anyone from West Virginia has ever been on a show like that, so we're hoping someone from this area will get to go,'' said mall spokeswoman Kelli Andrew. "We're anticipating people not just in costumes, but with props, too.''

Oh please, oh please, do not let any of the costumes or props be hillbilly-related.

LOL! Oh, the Brooklyn Hillbilly is going to snort his cerebellum out through his nostrils when he reads this. I can't think of anything farther from the truth (my quiz results - What biological molecule are you?):


You are glucose. People feed off of you. You are
sweet, caring, and a source of energy for
everyone around you. You can inspire others
with your creativity and depth, and you can
keep people alive when in times of famine.
People love you...or at least the way you
taste.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Then, on the other hand, there's this quiz result I got the other day. I don't think I'm quite this awful, but who knows:



Find Your Warped Personality
this quiz was made by mysti

I got both quizes from Michelle, who's temporarily located here.

New Year's Depression
I hate this time of year. Christmas and New Year's Day have passed. The celebrations are over. The company is gone. And, worst of all, it's time to go back to work.

Random notes from the holiday season
For New Year's Eve, the Brooklyn Hillbilly and I went out looking for the antithesis of Cheers -- a place where nobody knew our names. The BH wanted to go to one of the numerous "gentlemen's clubs" littering exits of I-77, but I nixed that idea. So, he surmised, a hotel bar might be our best bet to anonymously ring in the new year.

The first (and last) hotel at which we stopped looked promising. A sign in the lobby touted a New Year's Eve party complete with dancing and live music -- not that we particularly yearned for either. We decided to take a look, and, upon entering the bar, found it almost empty, except for a lip-locked couple at the bar, the bartender, another couple seated under the giant TV, and, most disturbing, a young child toddling around waving an empty beer pitcher. "The sign said there was a party," I muttered to the BH. The baby walked toward us, hoisting the beer pitcher above its head, and we exited as quickly as we could, calling the whole set-up 'spooky.' It was as if we'd walked into a Coen brothers movie. And I think I heard a wood-chipper going out in the parking lot.

After that strike-out, however, we managed to end up at a real, honest-to-goodness party, complete with party hats, noise makers and real champagne! No, I don't drink, but it's still fun to watch others drink REAL CHAMPAGNE! The BH's father's connections gave us the opportunity to crash that party.

By the way, to the person swerving driving the Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer on Route 14 at 1:20 a.m. between Mineral Wells & Elizabeth, you weren't fooling anyone, you drunken nut.

I would have preferred a giant celery
Stupid team loyalty caused me to watch the Gator Bowl instead of the new HGTV giant vegetable special that was airing at the same time. I did flip over during half time and commercials. As it turns out, a 40-something pound celery and over-1,000 pound pumpkins would have been waaaaaaay more interesting than that game.