Some super gems in the mailbag tonight
Martha sends this link from today's Huntington Herald-Dispatch. The news here is that the article says Lynch is expected to be released from the hospital June 1. Keep in mind Huntington is where the big Rally for America par-tay is going to be held May 24, so does that mean they have the inside scoop on when she's getting released? I don't know. Guess we'll have to see.

And then Chris sends the following TV schedule:

• TONIGHT - Saving POW Lynch
  DSC, Wed Apr 30 10:00pm EDT



• LATER TONIGHT - Saving POW Lynch
  DSC, Thu May 01 01:00am EDT



• Saving POW Lynch
  DSC, Sun May 04 05:00pm EDT



• Saving Private Lynch: A Bill Kurtis Special Report
  A&E, Sun May 11 10:00pm EDT



• Saving Private Lynch: A Bill Kurtis Special Report
  A&E, Mon May 12 02:00am EDT

A few selected readings for today
By the way, Lynch-o-holics will want to tune in to the Discovery Channel tonight at 10 p.m. for their "Saving POW Lynch." My father, of all people, tipped me off about this. Unfortunately, he can't watch it because it's on past his bedtime.

The Union County Advocate (KY): Local company build connection to Pfc. Jessica Lynch's home
The company assisted Charter Communications by donating labor to construct a 24-mile fiber optic cable extension to former POW Pfc. Jessica Lynch's home outside of Palestine, W.Va. Don't get me wrong, it's really nice, but it still strikes me as a little funny that someone somewhere saw the pictures of Lynch's family and thought to him/herself, "My God, those people need cable!" Oh, sure, I'm just bitter because Pfc. Lynch wasn't from the Camp Barbe area of the county.

ChronWatch: "Pfc. Jessica Lynch Under Assault Again. Feminists This Time"

Those crazy hillbilly kids!
This comes about a week after a Calhoun County High School student was arrested for selling marajuana-laced brownies on school property (as reported by Parkersburg News last weekend). Not to mention the kids who decided to raft down the Guyandotte River to get to class (see yesterday's blog entry).

Daily Mail: Pizza order too hot: Two GW students accused of making, passing fake dough
Two George Washington High School students have been suspended and are facing criminal charges for making fake money and using it to have pizzas delivered to the school. Principal Jim Vickers said other students are being questioned for their role in the pre-spring break prank....This is the second high-profile suspension at the school in recent months. Officials had to suspend a male student for allegedly sneaking into the girl's locker room to spy on his classmates. The unidentified student ended up getting stuck between the shower wall and an ice machine. He remained lodged in the wall until the final bell rang, when he used his cell phone to call his father to come and get him.

*Update*
Add this to the list of wacky hillbilly teens: The principal of Harts High School received facial lacerations and lost two teeth after a student attacked him.

The Braxtonian: "We are vehemently opposed to SARS"
Ry is so pissed off by the deadly disease, he's started BRAAS, or Braxton Residents Against Acute Shit. Go read how you can join.

This is gonna look great with some multi-colored chaser lights, don't you think?

We have Jane from the Kanawha Valley to thank for this delightful image of the new angel statue honoring Jessica Lynch. Somehow, it's not quite what my hillbilly imagination had pictured. Jane's trip to Elizabeth Sunday coincided with the artist's (that's her in the red) installation of the, um, statue.

Afghanistan, then Iraq, and now Appalachia?
Rich from Ohio -- for all you college sports fans, Rich is a Bobcat, not a Buckeye -- sends me this link to a comment that appeared on a sports message board. Here's how it starts: "Dear Mr. President, Please attack Appalachia." I especially like this part: "The rest of the country will be fairly easy to convince about the need to attack us. The national news media will surely rise to your side. Prejudice against hillbillies already devalues our lives in comparison to those in the rest of the country..." It's pretty clever. I wonder where it originated?

Come hell or high water, these hillbilly teens are getting to class
OK, so they didn't have to go to school by raft, but it makes a good story, right?
AP: Tardy teens offer unusual excuse -- their rafts ran late (not a permalink)
Four tardy students at Wyoming East High School put a new spin on the old "the school bus ran late'' excuse -- their rafts ran late. Riding in two small rubber rafts, they made their way down the Guyandotte River with homemade paddles constructed from sticks, cookie sheets and duct tape. However, they miscalculated the time required to make the eight-mile trip and missed their first class. Meanwhile, word of their journey had spread, and about 50 students and four teachers were waiting when they arrived.

My mom would have been irate if I'd ruined any of her good cookie sheets by sticking them in the river. Eight miles? I'm surprised they ever made it.

Mohammed is IN the country
FoxNews says Mohammed Odeh Al-Rehatef is now in the U.S. with his wife and child, and they have been granted asylum. Hmmm, I wonder if they'll be attending the Heck of a Big Shindig^TM?

It's unclear whether the terms of his asylum include a press conference at the new Friends of Mohammed garden in Palestine and mandatory "Jessi and Mohammed Reunited" photo for the cover of Newsweek. Speaking of the FoM, they must be simply giddy to hear this news.

A few morning headlines
New York Post: Israeli tip helped GIs rescue Jessica

Dominion Post: 84 Lumber donates materials to renovate Jessica Lynch's home
About that addition people have been seeing built: The Mineral Wells 84 Lumber store was approached by several of its contractors with the "idea" to add a bedroom/bathroom addition and equip the Lynch home with handicap accessible amenities. The contractors requested that 84 Lumber donate the materials and the contractors would give their time and skills to make the "idea" a reality.

AP Wire: Hawaii invitation to Lynch extended to all former POWs
An invitation by state officials to bring former prisoner of war Jessica Lynch to Maui is being extended to seven other rescued P-O-Ws. Officials from Maui County's tourism industry made the announcement today. Though costs weren't discussed, officials say they will work with the hotel industry, the airlines and various tourism agencies statewide to accommodate the visits.

Adding insult to death
Not only do this poor man's family and friends have to deal with his tragic death, but they also have to hear it repeated over and over and over where precisely he drowned. I think you'll understand my concern. (Metronews) Trooper Portaro says they found Mayfield's body in the area that had been isolated shortly after he is believed to have drowned after going over Big Splat Falls.

A few headlines from the past several days
The Sunday Parkersburg News had a story on the dedication of the garden at the Palestine Post Office, as well as other birthday celebrations in honor of Jessica Lynch. Here's the Herald-Dispatch's version, which includes more details about Lynch and the addition to the home, and another story from the Herald-Dispatch: Life in Palestine altered forever. Note the accompanying photo of the sign on the barn.

Thanks for the broadband, Jessica
I'm way late in posting this. Charter Communications President and CEO Carl Vogel is making life a little better for rescued prisoner of war Jessica Lynch and her family. Lynch, 19, lives just outside Charter's service area in Elizabeth, W.Va. Vogel teamed up with a half-dozen companies to provide broadband services to a largely rural area that includes the Lynch's house. Once construction is complete, says Fred Lutz, Charter's West Virginia general manager, the company plans to donate services to the family until 2004.

No Vacancy
If you've been thinking about booking a room in Huntington for the Rally for America honoring Jessica Lynch, well, you're too late. Chris from SC e-mails me that he saw on the CNN ticker over the weekend that all rooms in that area are booked for the weekend. Thanks to Chris for the tip and the link to the story.

Mix-up
Jane writes to tell me that in fact the angel did arrive, but not till Sunday. There must have been a mix-up about the time. Jane also was kind enough to send me a picture of the angel "statue."

Furthermore, Jane informs me that my site comes up in Spanish on at least one web browser. I can only assume this is because I'm currently dog-sitting a Spanish-speaking Jack Russell Terrier and the dog's aura is somehow messing with my blog.

*Update*
The dog's mommy writes to tell me that Hillbilly Jack Russell is fully bilingual and would, more likely, translate the page to Spanglesh if she possessed the ability to write at all. So discount that theory.

It's wise to proofread bumperstickers before slapping them on you're your car
Some proud dame is driving around town with the following bumpersticker on the back of her giant Crown Victoria:

Women make great leaders...
Your following one!

Hummus, anyone?
Daily Mail: Garden sprouts up at Palestine Post Office
Wow, I guess my weekend plans are set. The Friends of Mohammed have donated a garden at the Palestine Post Office and "the garden officially will be dedicated Saturday, which is Lynch's 20th birthday, with a Middle Eastern community picnic, donated by Friends of Mohammed."

Jamal Daoudi, spiritual leader of the Islamic Center of West Virginia, will be among those going to Palestine to dedicate the garden in honor of Lynch and her rescuer. "The Sahara Restaurant is sending lunch with us," Daoudi said. YES! I love Middle Eastern food! (I'm being serious.)

Post Office officials say that an extra 750-1,000 pieces of mail per day have been coming in for Jessica. The post office is ready with items to sell from post cards to pins. A special stamp cancellation is being discussed.

Parkersburg News: Pfc. Jessi Lynch honored with ballad by Duckworth
The singer is Miriah Duckworth, a Wirt Countian and friend of Jessica Lynch.

Not only did the endeavor (recording the song) attract local media attention, but news crews from national media agencies, including "48 Hours," were at the studio to report the story of a ballad that already has been heard on MTV and on Pittsburgh radio stations, Hoover said.

By the way, Jessi turns 20 tomorrow.

WV's 25 cents worth
What'll it be? Brook trout? Outhouse? Satellite dish? (that's pronounced "deesh," damn it) Whitewater rafters? Way back in February, I speculated about possible designs for the WV quarter. Now I read in the Martinsburg Journal & Charleston Daily Mail that design ideas are due May 23.

Here's an article outlining WV's process from last Friday's Daily Mail. "Ideas will be collected until May 23, when the high school students will start the judging on a private, secure Web site. The Mint will train the students in what makes good coins and what doesn't. After the training, students will whittle down the field to about five. Wise will select three to five designs to submit to the Mint, which has the final say on which one it believes is appropriate. Oh please let Ry & Dave at The Braxtonian be on this high school selection committee. I think I trust them more than the governor.

The US Mint lists some guidelines for designs, in case you're interested in whipping something up. Notice that state seals and state flags aren't permitted. Also, "Designs shall have broad appeal to the citizens of the state and avoid controversial subjects or symbols that are likely to offend." Images of people are banned, so, sorry, Lynch-o-holics.

The Martinsburg Journal editorial pleads that the design NOT include an outhouse complete with crescent moon cut on the door. And, the editorial asks, no "feuding hillbillies."

Hillbilly Smut
So, how do you suppose US Attorney Kasey Warner felt when he made the following statement that's reported in today's Charleston Daily Mail? "In this particular case it's going to be very obvious that what was being sold on girlspooping.com does not match up with community standards anywhere in this country," U.S. Attorney Kasey Warner said. "If anything in this world is obscene and therefore illegal, we are going to argue that this is."

How would you feel if you had to say with a straight face "girlspooping dot com"?

Sadly, the proprietors of "girlspooping.com" are Lewisburg, WV, residents. In case you can't figure out what this site might sell, the Daily Mail describes it this way: The Corbetts' Web site offered a whole lineup of videos and DVDs featuring nude and semi-nude women using the bathroom. The videos sometimes included sex acts as well.

Even more disturbing is the fact that the couple made $175,000 in two years. Who would have thought there would be such a big market for videos of hillbillies, uh, pooping?

Ry from The Braxtonian contributes this fine item:

VoA:West Virginia Muslims Hope to Honor Iraqi Hero
This story has more details than the previous one I posted, such as: While the Friends wait for Mohammed and his family to arrive, they are starting work on another project in his honor. Mr. Thibeault of the Friends group said letters, drawings and other paraphernalia that tell the story of Jessica and Mohammed are being gathered for a permanent display at the West Virginia Cultural Museum.

Belated Thanks
I ought to be slapped silly with a WV ramp for not thanking Ry for helping me out with my Blogger template problem. Also, Ry & Dave's writing at The Braxtonian has restored some of my faith in the West Virginia public school system. So, thank you for both ;-).

AFT, part 3
Ah, well, this actually makes some sense. Metronews: "Hale says the WVFT will also set up a scholarship for West Virginia students who want to become teachers just as Jessica Lynch does. Senator Bob Plymale (D-Wayne) says creating the scholarship for not only Jessica but also all West Virginia students is an excellent idea."
But then there's this from AFL-CIO Secretary Treasurer Kenny Perdue: "Kenny Perdue says many fear that Jessica will leave the state once she recovers. He says starting this fund is a way to entice her to stay in the state. Perdue says if nothing is done, she will go to college in another state. He says if she has the money to stay close to home, she may do so."
Um...

AFT, part 2
Now the AFT's press conference is supposed to be in Charleston, in case you were planning to attend. They're also saying that their fundraising started before the Governor's announcement two weeks ago. Judy Hale, AFT president, "says Jessica can use the money collected in this fund to pay for all those extras that room, board, tuition and books don't cover. Things like clothes, food, computers and transportation." (Metronews) Wouldn't it be somewhat amusing if Pfc. Lynch says, "You know what, I want a career in the military."? Or maybe she's decided to be an engineer. Or maybe she wants to pursue an unmarketable major like mine. Or... Oh, it's not that I don't want her to get the money. That's not it at all. I want her to be able to do whatever it is she wants to do. It just infuriates me when groups jump on the JL bandwagon and hold press conferences or send out press releases to announce their charitable intentions. How about a nice letter to Jessica and her family, and leaving it at that?

The Daily Lynching^TM*
Cybercast News Service: PFC Lynch, Other POWs Not Eligible for Compensation
"Many people are not aware that there is currently no special pension or other monetary compensation for U.S. service men and women taken prisoner while fighting for their country." The article also goes into details of a Former Prisoners of War Special Compensation Act (H.R. 850) introduced by Rep. Mike Simpson (R-Idaho).

ESPN: Making a Mockery
My favorite of the day -- Columnist Gregg Easterbrook has Pfc. Lynch going to the Cincinnati Bengals as the #1 selection in his mock draft. "If the sculpted, testosterone-pumped Bengals displayed half the heart and courage of this 130-pound woman, Cincinnati would be a Super Bowl lock."

* My new word for "Googling" Jessica Lynch.

Hills 'ablaze' with dogwoods
I know you've all been losing a lot of sleep over this, but now it's official -- WSAZ's meteorologist Tony Cavalier says this is INDEED the finest dogwood crop in recent years:
"This is probably the best dogwood crop we've had in the last five or 10 years," Cavalier said. "Just about perfect, I'd say." You know you've hit it big when you're the state authority on the quality of spring and the accompanying dogwood crop.

Is it a full moon or what?
The Brooklyn Hillbilly vows to never return to the Mountain State because of the recent crime wave. Here's a little re-cap:
Saturday/Monday -- A deranged nutball in Jackson County allegedly stabs her elderly neighbor with a pair of scissors, forces stabbed woman to write out a check to her, then chokes her with a telephone cord and torches her home (elderly woman dies). Then, on Monday, same deranged nutball allegedly stabs herself and torches her own home (she, however, does not die).

Sunday -- Ahh, a quiet Easter in Charleston. Wrong! On Charleston's west side a man and his dog were shot after the man yelled at a speeding motorist. Charleston Gazette: "Charleston Police said the driver of the vehicle turned around, stopped and told the pedestrian 'I will murder you.' He then unloaded, sending several bystanders, including children, ducking for cover behind cars at a Rite-Aid parking lot."

Monday night -- Someone allegedly tries to pick off a Huntington councilman in a driveby shooting. AP: "Charlie Thompson was working at his desk at Thompson's Auto Repairs about 11:30 p.m. Monday when someone drove by and fired a 12-gauge shotgun toward the office."

Trash-talking will get you trash duty, little missy
"A Morgantown woman will have to spend 40 hours picking up trash for screaming obscenities at a Division of Motor Vehicles employee." Gee, I hope she at least said something really good like "assnugget" to make it worth her time.

Appalachian Spring
Ahhh, spring is here. How do I know, you ask? Well, because of this sign in front of the local floral shop:

Perinals Are Here!

There's nothing I enjoy more than adding some more "perinals" to my flowerbeds each spring.

Long Weekend
My benevolent employer -- pause for uncontrollable laughter -- has granted me tomorrow off, so I will travel for an extended stay in the "Appalachian backwoods" where my sources (reliability unknown) tell me a major clean-up campaign is under way, as mandated by the governor. If all goes well, I'll post some pictures next week to counter the reports from the "trailer camp town" of the "rusted, broken-down cars, piles of wood and miscellaneous junk."

Return to Sender
Chris in SC says he just saw piece on Fox News about the staff of Walter Reed Hospital being inundated with mail for Pfc. Lynch. They suggested that people donate to charity instead, such as an armed services support group. Here's an article I found on the WTAP site. It says Lynch is "discouraging more gifts of T-shirts, stuffed animals and fruit baskets." Ha! I can just see her room -- bananas, oranges, and apples stacked to the ceiling! It does say however that cards and letters are OK and an address is given for the hospital.

I knew some Workers' Comp claims were ridiculous, but now this?
The Brooklyn Hillbilly alerted me to an amusing subhead in a Hur Herald article: WORKERS' COMP GETTING HARD ON CLAIMS.

Placenames
Another Hur Herald headline reminded me of a thought I had last week. What if Jessica Lynch had been from another, more colorfully named WV town? Like, say, War (McDowell County) or Big Otter (Clay County). I can just see the headlines: "Big Otter Women Rescued." And the TV reporters would have such a ball -- "Joe, I'm standing here in Big Otter, which, I'm told, got its name from an unusually large otter, once a native species to this area."

Of course, the best place name in WV will always be Big Ugly (Lincoln County). That leads to very nice headlines, like "Big Ugly Woman Wins Contest."

Just so you know
The following items are available on Ebay:

• PFC Jessica Lynch Silver Coin NEW


• OIL PAINTING PFC Jessica Lynch


• America Loves Jessica Lynch Magnet

Gag, gag, gag.

The Daily Googling
Oh good grief -- even the Iraqi doctors are taking stabs at Pfc. Lynch. This article is yet another telling of how horrible the US soldiers were when they stormed in to steal Pfc. Lynch from the arms of the caring Iraqi medical staff. Here's what one medical resident says, who claims to be the only one Pfc. Lynch would allow to treat her: “I see [many] patients, but she was special. She’s a very simple person, a soldier, not well educated. But she was very, very nice, with a lovely face and blonde hair.” This man also divulges some of the personal conversations he had with Pfc. Lynch. Note to self: when taken prisoner, don't tell your captors anything you don't want told to the world press.

The article, however, has some other interesting details, such as the same doctor claiming to have sent Pfc. Lynch to an American "outpost" in an ambulance, but the vehicle was fired on and had to return.

Obit Watch
If you're new here, then you'll be puzzled by this entry. You see, I have this thing for ridiculous obituaries. If you're interested read my rant in the archives . The Brooklyn Hillbilly and I have noticed a trend -- people are starting to note who was present at the time the deceased went to "be with the Lord" (i.e. died). The following sample from the Charleston Daily Mail takes this to the extreme:

_______________ passed away at his home in (name of town) with his wife, _______, and loyal canine companion, Booger, at his side.

If you're absolutely adamant about listing the canine companion, then maybe you could leave out the name, especially if you've chosen to call this animal Booger.

My two cents
In reference to a story I linked to earlier, here's my idea for the "heck of a big shindig" for Pfc. Lynch. Let's have it in Charleston, in conjunction with the Sternwheel Regatta.
My reasoning:
*It would dissuade or divert the "hey, let's go look at the poor hillbillies" kind of tourists.
*Dates for this year's regatta are Aug. 28-Sept. 1, which leaves several months for Pfc. Lynch to heal.
*Out-of-the-area reporters, finding themselves smack-dab in a modern city, might be forced to write about Pfc. Lynch and/or the event instead of dwelling on the "trailer camp town" in the "Appalachian backwoods,""the rusted, broken-down cars," and the "piles of wood and miscellaneous junk."
*TV reporters would have the opportunity to chirp madly -- "JESSICA DIDN'T EVEN SEE THIS -- THE STATE CAPITAL -- UNTIL SHE WAS OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL!"

Of course, there are numerous reasons this would not be feasible -- it's just my thought of the moment.

'Twas only a flesh wound
Washington Post (via Charleston Daily Mail): Iraqis call Lynch raid 'big show' - Doctors say militiamen,soldiers had fled already
"Accounts of the U.S. military's dramatic rescue of Pfc. Jessica Lynch from Saddam Hospital here two weeks ago read like the stuff of a Hollywood script. For Iraqi doctors working in the hospital that night, it was exactly that - Hollywood dazzle, with little need for real action." The Iraqi doctors also say all of her injuries were sustained when her vehicle overturned.

Now she's from a "trailer camp town"
Thanks to Martha for notifying me of the following remark in an April 13 column by Jimmy Breslin in Newsday (scroll down to last paragraph):
A 19-year-old from a trailer camp town who wants to be a grade-school teacher has to join the Army first, go into a war because that's the only way out.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Trailer camp town? On what, I wonder, does Mr. Breslin base his analysis of her hometown? And, as I've stated before, the military is not "the only way out." Do not, for the love of God, diminish her choice of serving the country by stating it was "the only way out."

A couple of Pfc. Lynch stories to start off the day
El Paso Times: Jessica Lynch paintings, coins for sale on eBay
While no surprise, this is disgusting nonetheless. Saturday evening, the Internet auction site listed at least 10 Jessica Lynch items, ranging from an oil painting with an opening bid of $200 to a $5 "America Loves Jessica Lynch" refrigerator magnet.

Slate: Does Pfc. Jessica Lynch Own the Movie Rights to Her Life?

BLAH -- Buried in the Appalachian Backwoods
BLAHHHHHH! Was going to bed, but stumbled across this fine work of journalism from the Cleveland Plain Dealer.
Jessica Lynch's hometown praises local hero
Oh, OK, it's not so bad, but passages like this make me cringe: Her grandfather Carl Lynch lives up the road from his family in a faded yellow trailer with clucking chickens running free in the front yard.

And this (about Palestine): There are no other buildings. Just houses and rolling pastures, shacks and front yards with rusted, broken-down cars, piles of wood and miscellaneous junk. I suppose the reporter failed to notice the newer, nicer houses built along Route 14. And the new medical clinic built at the intersection of Routes 5 & 14. It's funny how your eye just gets drawn to those "rusted, broken-down cars, piles of wood and miscellaneous junk." Don't get me wrong -- I'm not denying it's there. But there are a lot of other things, too -- they just don't make a fun story to tell to the Cleveland readers.

Then there's this statement that I have doubts about: About 900 people live in Palestine. Many just walk to the post office to pick up their mail. I'll have to see what the Brooklyn Hillbilly thinks, but unless you consider Palestine to be the entire REGION of the county referred to as Palestine, I don't see how 900 people could live there. It seems to me that would be closer to being accurate about Elizabeth, the county seat, where, by the way, residents must go to the post office to get the mail because it's not delivered to anyone inside the town limits (except the senior citizens' apartment complex).

Also amusing to me is the statement that Palestine is "buried in the Appalachian backwoods about an hour south of the Ohio line." If about 15-20 miles from I-77 is "buried in Appalachia" to this guy -- oh dear.

Oh, sure, there's plenty positive in this story, but it's late and it's my job to be venomous and sarcastic.

AP story - via The Morgantown Dominion Post:Governor's office helping Lynches with book offers
Charleston Daily Mail - 'People' coming around
In this column by Brad McElhinny, he points out that 2 West Virginians made the cover of People magazine this week (Jessica Lynch & Jennifer Garner) and further suggests that Garner play Lynch in the movie about her ordeal.

Out, Out, Damn Stork
I believe I mentioned long ago that everyone I know is pregnant. OK, I exaggerate -- only three. One of the unlucky souls is stuck with me helping to plan her baby shower. It's an odd custom, don't you think, to invite people to a party, require them to bring a gift for the honoree, and then humiliate them by making them play embarrassing games to win trinkets.
Here's one from this site that we will not be playing at her shower:

My Water Broke
The participants race to a finish line (where there is someone dressed like a doctor) with a water filled balloon between their legs. The one who hasn't broken their water balloon wins!

Those with a shred of dignity remaining can then be forced to play this one:

Feed the Baby
Have the guests divide up into teams of 2, one is be the MOTHER the other is to be the BABY, give each team a baby bottle filled with a preferred beverage; remember to cut the nipple hole a little larger; the BABY sits in MOTHER'S lap and is fed the bottle. The team who finishes the bottle first wins the prize! Very funny, especially if you decide to use a soft drink as the beverage.

While it would give me a little sadistic pleasure to watch certain co-workers suck down soda from a baby bottle, I guarantee we won't be playing that one either.

NBC to Make TV Movie About POW Jessica Lynch
GAHHH! This is what makes my blood boil: "Few details have emerged of Lynch's ordeal as a POW and her family have told competing media outlets they are not ready to discuss selling the rights to her story. NBC said however that it was going ahead with a TV movie that would likely be broadcast toward the end of this year. 'We are trying for the rights, but we are going ahead with a script based on the facts and on news reports,' an NBC source said."

How about showing a scrap of decency, you repugnant money-hungry bastards, and waiting at least until the woman sets foot on the continental United States before releasing that kind of statement? Huh? What would it hurt? Go ahead and work on your stupid script, which will no doubt feature a COAL MINE or some such irrelevant stereotypical WV scene, but keep your mouth shut about it. Have you no shame? (*not that there's anything wrong with coal mines*)

And what if details don't "emerge"? Oh hell, just make 'em up. Sure. Why not? Get it on the air as soon as possible, preferably before Private Lynch recovers, so as to traumatize her as much as possible. I wonder if they would do the same thing to David Bloom's family?

Absolutely shocking news

Number of businesses in W.Va. declining
AP - "The number of businesses in West Virginia declined by 1.5 percent in 2000 and 2001, the largest loss in the nation, according to the U.S. Census Bureau's county business patterns report released Thursday."

If your blood pressure is low, you can read this as a remedy. Some of the more positive remarks include the phrase "incestuous hills of West Virginia." Just another in the series of rage-inciting articles from this London publication. *Update* -- Better yet, go here and read Rachel Lucas fisking the hell out it.

And this from today's Charleston Daily Mail: Town's getting ready for the homecoming - Post office and bank coping with generosity
Photo on front of Daily Mail site - Went to high school with the teacher pictured -- ack, I feel old.

Another day, another car
Fairfax auto dealer donates car to Pfc. Lynch
Add this to the ones offered by car dealers in Parkersburg and Pfc. Lynch is going to have quite a fleet of vehicles.

The Centcom Gig
I've been thinking that covering Centcom wouldn't be such a bad gig for journalists. I mean, the dress is casual, bathing & personal hygiene optional, and you don't even have to bother masking your hatred for those doling out the info. Journalist paradise on earth!

Evening update
AP (via Dayton Daily News): W. Va. Residents Want to Honor Iraqi

"First, they have to find him. But when they do, residents of this small town want to thank the Iraqi man who helped save POW Jessica Lynch by bringing him to West Virginia....The effort to track down the man is being led by James Thibeault, who has founded Friends of Mohammad."

Um, maybe Mohammad doesn't want to come? Still, a nice gesture.

"The organization will be based in Lynch's hometown of Palestine, which is about 70 miles northwest of Malden, a Charleston suburb. 'There's a wonderful spiritual connection there for the Muslim people,' said Thibeault, who hopes a Lynch family member will sit on the group's board.Thibeault and about 10 residents met Wednesday with Imam Jamal Dauodi, spiritual leader of the Islamic Association of West Virginia, to discuss raising money to bring Mohammed here and other details. Daoudi said it was no coincidence that a man named after Islam's prophet Mohammed saved an American woman from a town called Palestine.
'It is the will of God,' he said."

Um, uh...
*Update* -- OK, now that this story's getting picked up by everyone, including FoxNews, I'm thinking perhaps I misunderstood it. I thought they wanted to permanently relocate Mohammed to WV; maybe it's just a visit they're after.

On going home
As I was reading one of the numerous Pfc. Lynch stories last night, I was suddenly deeply saddened by something Greg Jr. said. I'd read the remark before and it hadn't affected me, but there it was again and bam: "She wants to go home. That's the only thing she's been asking."
While I can't know for sure what "home" means to Pfc. Lynch - whether it means Ft. Bliss, TX, or Palestine, WV - I think it's safe to say that both senses of home have been obliterated. Well, OK, maybe not exactly obliterated, but certainly altered drastically, at least for the short term. What if she's yearning for the simple anonymity of life in the "dirtpoor hill country of West Virginia" (as that SOB writing for the London Evening Standard called it)? Or the good old days with her buddies (e.g. roommate Lori Piestewa) in the 507th?
So I got depressed envisioning this woman struggling to recover in a hospital room in Germany, wanting desperately to go home. I hope she is able to endure how home has been transformed: people from all crevices of the globe wanting a piece of you, signs up proclaiming that you once lived there, reporters camped out on the front yard, rude bitches like me poking fun at your family's beloved rooster, etc.

Today's Pfc. Lynch selected readings
As I wrote yesterday, the WV Air National Guard apparently played a role in the rescue operation.

Charleston Gazette: WV Air Guard unit helped rescue Jessica from hospital
AP via Yahoo!News: Lynches Say Jessica is "Real Cheerful"
She's gotten to eat turkey & gravy, carrots and French fries (not Freedom Fries).
Parkersburg News: Petition honors Iraqi who aided in Lynch rescue
The online petition asks members of Congress to sponsor a bill granting special U.S. citizenship to Mohammad and his family.

Results of the hillbilly poll
On Friday I asked which reporter y'all thought would land the first interview with Pfc. Lynch. Here's what you think:

• The Brooklyn Hillbilly casts a biased vote for Ashleigh Banfield, adding that Ms. Banfield will be the mother of his children. I fear a toxin has been released in NYC and is causing him to suffer from delusions.



• Chris from SC envisions a one-hour interview with Katie Couric, similar to the one she did with the Central Park jogger that aired last night. I missed that one, but Chris says it was well done. Yeah, I can see the one-hour in-depth feature being a likely format for Jessica's first interview.



• Rich from Ohio selects Diane Sawyer, but adds something I hadn't thought of -- perhaps Matt Lauer will use his WV connections to land the first interview. Excellent point -- hadn't thought of that. According to Lauer's bio, he started his career in 1979 as producer of the WOWK-TV (Huntington, WV) noon news and was a reporter for the noon and evening news in 1980. Rich also writes, "I think it would be more fitting if Katie, Babs, Diane and any other contenders had to perform feats of strength and/or agility (arm wrestling perhaps?) to secure the interview." I couldn't agree more. In fact, that might be more entertaining than the interview.

And me? I'm torn. While Rita Cosby showed incredible tenacity to drive to Palestine and broadcast live at 5 a.m., I have to lean more toward the perky Katie Couric or Jane Clayson, who was invited by the Lynches to eat lasagna with them. Maybe Matt Lauer will teach Katie the secret WV handshake and give her the edge.

Six Flags Baghdad
Off the topic, but this quote in an AP article about soldiers go through one of Saddam's palaces cracks me up: "'This used to be a nice place, they should make it like a Six Flags, or something,' said Spc. Robert Blake, 20, of State College, Pa., and the 3rd Battalion, 7th Infantry."

Stop the Lies!
Unless they're operating on some obscure definition of "shopping mall," Newsweek has yet again printed the inaccurate statement (in my opinion) that Jessica Lynch did not see a shopping mall until she was 17. The Brooklyn Hillbilly called to tell me about the Newsweek article, which he says is otherwise quite good. Why can't they get this right? The girl's relative took her on a shopping trip in Charleston when she was 17 -- it was the first time she'd been to Charleston, NOT the first time she'd been shopping! Good grief. I know she had to have been to the one in Wood County (Grand Central Mall in Vienna, WV). She and her family would have had to make an effort to avoid going there.

This weekend's Pfc. Lynch selected readings

Parkersburg News/Sentinel: Wirt towns recuperating from invasion

"Television crews did live shows from Palestine and beamed their signals to receiving satellites for transmission around the world. 'I didn't know there were that many 10-foot satellite dishes left in this part of the country,' Murray said."

Parkersburg News/Sentinel: Family travels to Germany to visit Jessica

The family traveled on a Gulfstream IV SP jet loaned to the military by Bill Johnson, president and CEO of H.J. Heinz, headquartered in Pittsburgh, Pa.

New York Times (via L.A. Daily News Web site): Lynch becoming media icon

"A book agent from New York who has contacted the Lynch family but does not want to be named for competitive reasons, said: 'This has the makings of an amazing story that could not only make them rich, but make me rich.' The 'symbolic importance of her rescue is not only an amazing story, but it single-handily turned around the mood of the war.'"

Yahoo! News: POW reunited with parents

Rummy, the Bard
Thanks to a link provided by the Brooklyn Hillbilly, we can all read Rummy's poetry. It's way better than what I used to submit in my undergraduate poetry class.

The AP has done one hell of job with the headline on this story:
Two raccoons found in a month in Ohio County
When I used to live in an apartment, I averaged about two raccoons per night on my balcony. The story is about RABID racoons, which is slightly more newsworthy.

Oh my gosh, this is hi-larious - a post from Kevin's war zone blog called Primary Main Objective (link via the A-I Rottweiler).

No surprise -- Pfc. Lynch & family will be focus of tonight's 48 hours of CBS.

An even better story from the Department of Defense about the Iraqi who notified Marines of Pfc. Lynch's location.

Hollywood Calls
I guess we could see all this coming: Hollywood sets its sights on Lynch rescue story -- Producers calling family of rescued W.Va. soldier

ACK!
Some nitwit is currently on MetroNews' Talkline show, hosted by Hoppy Kercheval, saying that Saddam Hussein is not the most evil person to have ever existed, and, in fact, there are many Americans who have done far more evil things. When Hoppy pressed her to give him an example, she immediately supplied the name of Abraham Lincoln. A mind-boggling explanation followed, but here's what it boiled down to: Lincoln was more evil than Hussein because he only "freed" the slaves and didn't give them as much as "a loaf of bread."

Update
Oh good grief - missed this one the first time I checked the Parkersburg News site: The News & Sentinel gives Hawaiian trip to Lynch
"The Parkersburg News & Sentinel and its sister newspaper The Maui (Hawaii) News are donating an all-expense-paid trip to Hawaii for Pfc. Jessica Lynch of Palestine." I've heard a radio report that a Parkersburg car dealer has offered her a car in the color of her choice. I assume they meant a new car and not a beat-up Nissan pick-up like the ones the Fedayeen are driving. There are two ways to read the overwhelming outpouring of "goodwill": either people genuinely want to be nice or they just want a piece of the PR action. I imagine there is quite a bit of both going on.

Ugh - Pfc. Lynch press conference at 5 a.m. EST Friday morning. The ugh is in reference to the hour. I'll probably catch the highlights at 7 a.m.

AP: She wasn't shot, stabbed
So now that some of the earlier Washington Post story is refuted, who knows about their "fighting to the last bullet" claim. Numerous new pieces of info in the above story. Quote from Mr. Lynch: "'She didn't have any feeling in her feet,' he said outside his home in this West Virginia hamlet. More surgery was scheduled for Friday on her fractured legs and right arm, he said." Hamlet. Now it's a hamlet. Got that, Brooklyn Hillbilly? We're from a hamlet.

Afternoon update
The Mercury (Australia): 'Fight to death' PoW recovering

Excerpt: "Since the rescue, there has been widespread elation in and around her hometown. 'God's still in the miracle business,' read a sign outside a Baptist church in the tiny town of Elizabeth, which is near Palestine. I wonder if the apostrophe was really in the right place. The Brooklyn Hillbilly can attest to how much I hate apostrophe misuse. That reminds me -- oh please let someone have ripped down the "God Bless R Troops" sign.


This is off topic, but how about these words from Iraq's vice president about the Saudi Arabian foreign minister: "You failure, go to hell," Mr. Ramadan said Tuesday, directing his comments to Prince Saud. "You are too small to talk to the leader of Iraq, and those who will be swept away from the land of the Arab world are people like you. You are a minion and a lackey." Oooooh, them is fightin' words.

Oh good grief. Here's the broadcast version of an AP story. Note the pronunciation of Palestine and the quote from Mr. Lynch. I heard him make far more normal-sounding statements about planning a big celebration. Can they just say that? No, they have to select the "one heck of a big shindig" comment to blast forth across the nation. GAHHHHH! NOTE: A reader disagrees with me, saying that shindig is a perfectly acceptable word for party and is not a word to be embarrassed about. OK, so maybe I'm a little hypersensitive.

Jessica Lynch's family rejoices with word of her rescue
April 02, 2003 10:59 AM
Palestine
As soon as Jessica Lynch returns to Palestine (PAL-ess-tyne), her family plans to celebrate with what her father calls "one heck of a big shindig."

Other WV news
I guess this is why the food at El Ranchero in Parkersburg seemed so authentic.

Restaurant owner charged with harboring illegal aliens
April 02, 2003 9:52 AM Parkersburg
A Parkersburg restaurant owner has been charged with paying smugglers to transport illegal aliens from Mexico to work in his restaurant for less than minimum wage.
Alvaro Morales Munoz is the owner of El Ranchero Mexican Restaurant. He was charged in a criminal complaint filed Monday with aiding and abetting the transportation of aliens and harboring illegal aliens.

Yee-haw, shopping days are here again
Wise signs sales tax holiday into law

Toothless in West Virginia
Oh, this is just great news. Oral health is such a huge issue here in WV, we've called in our arch rivals at Pitt to come down and help us study the folks in Nicholas and Webster Counties. Furthermore, is it really such a huge mystery that it merits a 7-year study?

Pitt researchers to study poor state of dental health in Appalachia
March 31, 2003 4:20 PM
Pittsburgh Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh's School of Dentistry will study why people in Appalachia have bad teeth and gums.
The six-point-three million-dollar grant is the largest ever given to Pitt's dental school by the National Institutes of Health. The Pitt researchers will work with those at West Virginia University's School of Dentistry in the seven-year study.
The researchers will study the health behaviors, economic status, family structure and family environments of patients at Rural Health Consortium Clinics in Webster and Nicholas counties in West Virginia. Blood samples will also be studied to determine if genetics plays a role in the poor dental health of Appalachians.
Researchers know that Appalachian residents have poor teeth and oral health, but don't know what factors play the largest role. If that can be determined, special prevention and treatment programs could be developed.