I was one of just a few NOT pregnant this year at the family Christmas dinner. Any lingering sadness I had about that fact was soon dispelled last night when I stopped at JC Penney and was accosted not once but thrice by hellish little urchins.

The first duo came up and stood next to me – and I mean right up against my leg – while I was searching for a size L shirt in an endless stack of Smalls (marked down to $2.77!). These two were old enough to know that going up to strangers and staring at them and making faces was not appropriate conduct. I was, however, slightly shocked that my instant response was to say sternly, “GO AWAY!” This failed to move the two evil creatures, so I asked, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” When they refused to go away, I finally had to abandon that stack of clearance items.
The next two encounters of the sugared-up hellion kind resulted from, to the best of my estimation, games of tag amongst the racks of clothing.

Imagine – just hours earlier I had been lamenting my poor bored, nearly-30-year-old uterus.

Obituary Watch
Now it wouldn't be the holidays without critiquing the obits, would it?

In today's Daily Mail, one obit ends with the following lines: "Jimmy's greatest desire was to go to Heaven and be reunited with Dad, Mom and wife, Lois. He finally has made it! "

Sadly, 'twas not the Hillbilly Sophisticate who struck it rich in the yuletide Powerball drawing. I did, however, win a whopping $4 for matching the Powerball number and one other number. My winnings bought one bag of Wow potato chips and a soda.

Over all, I was impressed with the winner's performance at the press conference today. (You could, by the way, see the dollar signs go cha-ching in the Governor & tax commissioner's eyes.) When I heard the ticket had been sold in West Virginia, I began fearing that the winner would be some redneck in flourescent orange camouflage who would belt out in stereotypical hick-speak, "I'M GONNA GET ME BOAT! A REAL BIG BOAT!" OK, I was mildly annoyed that the winner was already a millionaire, but he sounds like he's really going to do some good things with the money.

More obituary follies (see also related Dec. 6 rant)
I suppose it's not exactly in the spirit of the season, but I've once again turned my attention to the obituaries appearing in the state's major newspapers. Honest to goodness, I don't know what goes through people's minds when they craft obits that begin with lines such as the following:

"(name of deceased), 82, of _____ was suddenly called home."
Suddenly called home?? Had she left the oven on?

"(Name of deceased), went to be with his Heavenly Father, Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ and his guide, the Holy Spirit through life (date), at his home after a long and courageous battle with cancer." Uh...wow, I think you've covered all the bases with that one.

"(Name of deceased) of Charleston departed this earthly plane on after a long illness."
Oh yes, the word "life" is so tired and overused -- "earthly plane" is FAR better.


This one is so bizarre it merits copying more than just the first line:
"(Name of deceased) passed away last night among those who loved her.
She was a beautiful flower who touched others with her glow.
Her fragrance will forever be impressed upon the hearts of those touched by her.
(Name of deceased) left this world to start a new life in Heaven."

Her fragrance? ACK! Even if I die young, I don't want anyone writing about my fragrance, nor do I particularly care that any one have my fragrance "forever impressed upon" his/her heart!

Byrd's big screen debut
Senator happy with small role in ‘Gods and Generals'

Oh, great, there's no better time for our esteemed West Virginia Senator to appear on the front page of The Daily Mail wearing a confederate uniform. Why not put him on horseback and drape him with a white sheet? Why, in the name of God, didn't one of his staffers realize it might not be a wise idea for Sen. "I've-changed-since-my-Klan-days" to portray a CONFEDERATE general in a movie?

I got the brilliant idea of making some of my family's old Christmas cookie recipes. Old recipes, not cookies. Anyway, I've been in the kitchen struggling with such vague instructions as "add enough flour to make stiff batter," "bake in hot oven" and "bake until done." ARGH! The Hillbilly Sophisticate needs explicit directions when it comes to cooking!

From the Deep Thoughts department:
Why do some parents agonize over getting their infant's hair cut for the first time but have no second thoughts about circumcision?

Looks like Seattle Times writer Nicole Brodeur caught quite a bit of hell about her article. I find myself in the strange position of feeling that I need to stick up for Ms. Brodeur. While I initially was perturbed about her references to West Virginia, I am a sane enough hillbilly to recognize the irony in West Virginia joining Massachusetts in appealing an antitrust settlement between Microsoft and the government.

I bet she was surprised by the outcry in support of WV. You see, most people who grow up in WV have to leave (to find jobs), so we're scattered all over the country, including, apparently, in the Pacific northwest. And most of us, while realizing our home state is a wee bit isolated, continue to hold a fierce loyalty and pride in the West Virginia hills, including its oddities like locales named Paw Paw, Big Ugly, Onego, and War (I could go on and on).

The following went out on the AP wire this morning:
U.S. attorney says W.Va. good place for terrorists to hide
December 09, 2002 7:57 AM -- Charleston
The US Attorney for southern West Virginia says that if he were a terrorist looking for a good place to hide and plan an attack, he would come to West Virginia.

Kasey Warner says West Virginia's illegal drug and gun networks, central location on the East Coast, remote hollows, chemical plants and interstate highways make it an ideal location for terrorists.

He is convinced the next major terrorist attack will be in the "heartland."

Uh, I'm confused. Is this part of the state's new tourism campaign? Is he asking that terrorists relocate here? 'Cause that's certainly what it sounds like. "We gotch yer remote hollows and chemical plants right here! That's right -- acres and acres of untouched wilderness for your terrorist camps! Teach your recruits to scale tall buildings using West Virginia's scenic Seneca Rocks! Prepare for an attack-by-ocean on the Gauley River! If it's terrorism on the rails that you're preparing for, how about practicing on a Shay steam-drive locomotive?"

Any West Virginia sympathizer should read the following if you really want to get your blood boiling:
Big attitude from wild West Virginia
I'm slightly impressed that Ms. Brodeur did enough research to find out there are towns in West Virginia called Big Ugly and Paw Paw, but I'm a little puzzled that she chose Paw Paw as one of the oddest names. Obviously, she may not be acquainted with the Paw Paw TREE and the delectable banana-like fruits it bears. The Paw Paw tree grows wild in "wild West Virginia" -- folks in other parts of the U.S. have to order the trees from nurseries (yes, I HAVE seen them in catalogs). Because I'm filled with generous holiday spirit, I'm tempted to offer Ms. Brodeur an all-expenses-paid trip to War, WV. Ah, come on, Ms. Brodeur, just kidding -- I do realize that your column is pro-WV in a roundabout, back-handed sort of way.

I am a firm believer that it is criminal for newspapers to charge to print obituaries. If they want to edit them down to a couple of paragraphs, then fine -- do it. But don't, for the love of God, give people the option of paying for longer obits and - gasp - ALLOW PEOPLE TO WRITE THEIR OWN! No, no, no! While it might seem that writing is a simple enough thing and just any old person of the street could craft a normal obituary, this is obviously not the case, based on the embarrassing tributes that plague most of West Virginia's newspapers (now that the newspapers have started charging and adopting an anything-goes policy). Of course, I understand the family's position, too, having had to provide info for an obit once myself. If there's an option to PAY for a BIG obituatury, then grieving families probably feel they have to in order to properly memorialize the deceased -- to not PAY for the obit would be an indicator that the deceased was not truly loved, right? So I want to tell my survivors right now -- the who, what, when, where and how is just fine for me.

Today's edition of the local newspaper contains four obituaries, and of the four deceased, only one simply died. The rest were "called home to his Lord and Savior," "went to be with the Lord," and "went to be with her Heavenly Father." These creative descriptions of death often lead to rather comical implications, such as: "(Name of Deceased) went to be with the Lord on Tuesday, Dec. 3, 2002, at Monongalia General Hospital in Morgantown," which makes it sound like the Lord is AT Monongalia General Hospital in Morgantown and the deceased decided to go there and join Him. The individual who was "called home to his Lord and Savior" was summoned, apparently, at Big Bear Lake -- " (Name of Deceased) was called home to his Lord and Savior Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2002 at Big Bear Lake." That conjures up all sorts of mystical Native American images, and, I imagine, was wholly unintended by the grieving family.

An even more disturbing phenomenon is including messages directed to the deceased, such as one obit in today's Charleston Gazette which includes, "Jim, we miss you and look forward to seeing you in Heaven." Do they honestly believe this sentiment is going to reach the deceased? That Jim, who "went to his eternal home with the Lord, Dec. 3, 2002" is pulling up the online version of the Gazette to see if his loved ones miss him?

(9th circuit) Federal Court Rules Citizens Do Not Have Individual Right to Bear Arms
Now the folks who want to edit God out of the Pledge of Allegiance say we have no right to carry firearms. The Fox News story contains the following understatement of the century:
The 9th Circuit has been known for rulings to the left of its peers.

This just in from my aunt, who lives across the border in Ohio. She reports the following incompetence from her local newspaper when trying to place a classified ad for her car.

The ad she submitted, spelling out each word to the lady taking the information:
1996 Ford Contour V6. Loaded. 62,500 miles. Looks, runs great. Pampered. One owner. $4300. (Phone number)
The ad that appeared today read as follows:
1996 Ford Contour V6. Load. Sixty two thousand five hundred miles, Looks, runs great. Tampered. One owner. 4,300 dollars. (Phone number -- listed correctly, miraculously)

If I get one more spam about "farm girls go wild" someone's gonna have to deal with a "hillbilly gone mad."

After surviving Thanksgiving without any noticeable food poisoning, I woke up this morning and realized that I only have 24 days to shop for Christmas -- many of those days may be consumed with packing, moving, and cleaning the old-lady smell out of the new residence. So I donned my best sweat pants and decided to go a'shopping.

When I scraped the snow and ice off my windshield, I discovered that my windshield had spontaneously cracked. Oh, what luck I have.

But why should a cracked windshield get in the way of a shopping spree? I went anyway and had a highly successful trip. That is, until I got the goods home and started boxing up the items for wrapping and noticed that the cashier had left the ink tag on one of the sweaters. This is the second time this has happened to me at a JC Penney store. Wish I had that kind of luck with Powerball. Even though I have the receipt -- proof that I've spent over $100 at their store -- I feel like such a low-life criminal going back in and begging them to remove the ink tag.