An Open Letter to my Downstairs Neighbors
Dear camouflage guy and Skankzilla be-pierced live-in girlfriend,

We've been living under the same roof for a whole week now -- my how time drags on when you're in a perpetual state of rage!

If it's not too much trouble, could you possibly smoke a few more packs of cigarettes each day? You see, your cigarette stench is not permeating my apartment quite as much as I'd like. There's nothing more refreshing than a nice nicotine buzz when I return home after a hard day of mind games work.

Given your keen interest in screwing like crazed gibbons fornication, I turned up tonight's episode of TLC's Maternity Ward for your benefit. Hope you enjoyed that.

Also, I notice that you drive a clunker very aged vehicle. It occurred to me that perhaps a 1970s Range Rover would offer a slightly louder exhaust system. I'm so thankful that you drive in each night at midnight and rev your engine in front of my bedroom window. There's nothing more disorienting than falling asleep and not awaking once before dawn.

Finally, in the name of all that's holy, MUST YOU SLAM THE FRICKING DOOR each and every time you enter and exit your den of carnal pleasure apartment?

With Malice Sincerely,
The Bitch Tenant Upstairs

Well, this is a day late because of Blogspot hell last night...

Coons invade Germany

Raccoons ueber alles! Rantburg has a great story (and commentary) about a raccoon invasion of Germany. Word is the French have gone ahead and surrendered to the raccoons, just to be on the safe side.

College students outraged by fliers, not Klan

Today's issue of the local campus newspaper contained this disturbing headline: "Ku Klux Klan distributes fliers near campus." So I read the story and learned that the fliers showed "a Klansman on horseback holding a flaming cross" and the words "Join the night riders. They are fighting for your future." So, what does the guy who discovered the fliers say? (would link to article but it's not included on their site today)

"Personally, I was upset to read it," said Tom Vanraaphorst. "I come from a family with a lot of police officers, and you should not be sending those around."

Huh?

As if that's not enough to make you lose faith in the twenty-something generation (of which I'm technically a member for a few more months), then how about this pearl of wisdom that comes later in the story:

"Obviously they want to be taken seriously," said Ben Anderson, one of several who found the flier. "I just think it's pretty ignorant. It's one thing to hand out the fliers, but another to just drop it on someone's car."

Oh my God, yes! THAT indeed is the most horrific part of the whole incident! Dressing up in sheets, burning crosses and general hatemongering we can understand, but DROPPING FLIERS ON CARS -- THAT IS CRIMINAL!

GAHHHHHHHHHH.

Now that it turns out the "serial sniper" just happens to be Muslim, this will give the media another gleeful opportunity to explain to us how peaceful the religion of Islam really is. What kind of sick culture do we have when we consistently exalt characteristics of those who commit crimes or terrorize us?

So how long till the Chief Moose made-for-TV movie debuts? Any guesses?

and this just in...

Employees forced to find alternative communication methods during e-mail outage
ANYTOWN, W.Va. - During a day-long outage of Vandalia University’s e-mail system, faculty and staff were forced to improvise in order to carry on the university’s business.

According to Joe Smith, director of information technology, the e-mail server crashed at approximately 9:02 a.m. EST Tuesday.

“I actually had to get up and walk down to payroll instead of e-mailing our leave reports,” said Shirley Bevins, administrative assistant in VU’s housing office. “But I guess it was kind of nice. I’d never met Cindy (in payroll) before and we’ve e-mailed probably a thousand times. She’s a lot older than I would have guessed.”

Another employee credits the e-mail outage for discovering that his cousin works downstairs in the same building. “I knew Sam worked for the Controller’s Office, but I didn’t realize, until today, that his office is right below mine,” said an incredulous Steve Byers, international programs coordinator. “I went downstairs to turn in my travel reimbursement requests, and there was Sam!”

Byers says the two plan to carpool to work from now on.

Other employees showed true ingenuity during the crisis.

"Our secretary dragged the fax machine out of storage so we could get our conference registration papers in on time. She really saved the day," said Bill Street, department of foreign languages.

Smith estimates that e-mail service should be restored by approximately 9 p.m. tonight. “Overall, I think this has been a good community-building experience that we’ve had to live through today,” he concluded.

As reported by FoxNews.com this morning re: the sniper's note:
The Los Angeles Times also reported Tuesday that unidentified federal agents said the letter was "very lengthy" and poorly worded, bordering on broken English.

While this may seem significant, let's keep in mind that many (if not most) adult Americans could be characterized as writing in 'broken English' -- take it from someone who's witnessed first-hand the horrors of college freshman prose.

Buying lingerie in Riyadh

Here's a great AP article about Saudi Arabian women buying lingerie. Jehayeir al-Muassaid says the following, as quoted in the article:

''What makes me livid is that it's OK for a woman to buy underwear from a man who pulls and stretches each piece to show her how it can accommodate a certain body part and then rubs it to show her how she can wash out stains, but it's not OK for her to buy from a man a book that would enrich her as a person,'' she added. ''What kind of logic is that?''

Oh great...the sniper(s) is/are on the move. Guess who lives at the intersection of two major interstates.

If we have to have a sniper(s), though, why can't he/they get rid of the people who keep sending me e-mails about enlarging my non-existent penis?

Normally I love FoxNews. The Collagen Queen of "On the Record," however, absolutely drives me over the friggin edge. Tonight when I turned on the television she was interviewing some random policeman, asking about the finer points of shutting down a big highway like the ones around D.C. He wisely noted that there are many things to consider, such as slowing down traffic in a safe manner. GAHHHHH.

A friend of mine took me to the local Middle Eastern restaurant (or, as the sign says "middleeastern") tonight. It's a rather creepy little place -- for westerners, anyway. I'm sure for the local "middleeastern" population it's just peachy. I will say, however, the staff was overly friendly.

So, anyway, this place has Arabic TV piped in live. For most of our 'dinner' (I wasn't fond of the food), the show playing seemed to be some sort of complex "middleeastern" soap opera. Then, at the top of the hour, there was, presumably, a news program. An outline of the United States suddenly appeared on the screen, along with a few lines in Arabic. There was a little box over the general vacinity of Washington, D.C. (and another curiously placed just off the coast of southern California). I looked at my friend and said, "Do you find that disturbing?" She did.

Teehee. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, the anti-war folks are trying to make their presence known on the local college campus. This story in the local newspaper today tells what a hard time they're having. Here are some excerpts:

The group meets every Thursday in Woodburn Hall, but the word doesn't always get out -- because fliers posted for the meetings don't last very long.
"They stay up maybe 15 minutes tops," Fritz said. "People come right behind us and tear them down. And these are just random students. Anybody."

And

Coalition member Ashley Malott ... was called "a terrorist" by a person who phoned her house.
"I'm hardly a terrorist," she said. "They gave a name and said they were with ROTC, but I don't believe that."
Fritz said the coalition will reach out to campus military at the parade, holding signs that will read, "Please don't send the ROTC to die."

LOL - I'm sure that will appease the ROTC.

Shelley Moore Capito and Jim Humphreys have raised about $7 million (combined) for the West Virginia 2nd district U.S. Senate race. Humphreys' share of that is $4.9 million, nearly all of which came from his personal wealth (gag). The Republican (Capito) has raised $2 million, none of which, reportedly, came from her personal stash of loot. When Humphreys and Capito squared off 2 years ago for the same seat, Humphreys shelled out $6.1 million of his own money. So, in the past few years, he's spent around $10 million on this little hobby of his.

MEANWHILE, the West Virginia Economic Development Grant committee has been meeting to consider proposals, such as:
a $1 million request to help fund modernization and renovation of the Martinsburg airport
$1 million for the renovation and expansion of a community hospital in southern WV
$1.48 million toward developing a business park in Putnam County

I think you see my point. If Humphreys has all this dough to spend on piss-poor TV ads (which always seem to begin: "The son of a garbage collector..."), wouldn't it be a nice gesture to fund one of these projects?

GASP -- a fellow blogger has linked to me...now the pressure's on.

Oh dear, I can't believe The Washington Post printed such an insane list of "Tips for Staying Safe" which included the following:

When moving outside, walk briskly in a zigzag pattern.

Uh, here in WV we assume anything walking in a zigzag pattern is rabid and shoot it immediately before it infects the hounds. Not such wise advice.

With deer season right around the corner, perhaps The White-tail Deer Journal will pick up these tips for its readership.

So the anti-war crowd has finally started organizing on the campus of WVU. Via photocopied signs taped up around campus the organizers invite like-minded individuals to join them in marching in the annual Homecoming parade. This strikes me as somewhat lame. I hope they at least adopt a catchy slogan to chant, such as "Beat Syracuse, not Saddam!"

It's yet to be determined if Osama bin Laden will be represented in this year's Homecoming parade, but I imagine his likeness would be stunning when replicated in crepe paper and chicken wire.

Overheard today in Baghdad: "Where shall I put this giant turkey hoagie, Saddam? The Pennsylvanians have been most generous to send such a fine sandwich to congratulate us on our election victory."

Was I the only one a little let down by the long-awaited "graphic" of the white box truck? I mean, when it was first announced that they were looking for a "white box truck," that's pretty much what I envisioned. Furthermore, it was also a low point for humanity when, during the press conference, police chief Charles Moose had to make it painfully clear that the real words on the truck were not "Unknown Words Unknown Words" as shown in the picture.

I wonder if the Bible-beaters who oppose Harry Potter have ever watched CBS's Touched by an Angel. This week's installment of the pathetic series revolved around a demon masquerading as an angel. This demon chick had eyes that turned red, and, at one point, she willed a shelf full of glasses to fall to the ground (while at a bar -- why angels spend so much time in bars is yet another fascinating element of this show).


I should note that I had to watch this show because I was visiting my father, who is a fan of it. To be fair, he also watches Will & Grace, so I think this offsets his poor judgment in Saturday night TV viewing.

Thanks to fellow bloggers who led me to the "inner feline" test. I'm a snow leopard ;-). I find the description completely inaccurate, but I enjoy the photo nonetheless. Click on the photo to take the test for yourself.

A fluffy snow-cat, you're always able to appreciate a soft bed and a quiet moment of thoughtful contemplation, though you don't let this mindset inhibit your social life - a friend to all, you're never too busy to offer a hug to anyone who may need it.

Everybody and his brother is commenting on this psycho sniper. MSNBC.com includes the following insightful statement by the American Tarot Association (proving that there is indeed an association for everything):
“Because that person appears to share the popular misconception that the card (referring to the death card) is associated with physical death, that person likely knows very little about the tarot, and is most likely not a tarot reader,” the American Tarot Association said in a statement.

Well, that certainly narrows down the list of potential suspects.

Yesterday's expenditures:
Lunch: $4.23
Groceries: $7.50
Cat Maintenance: $97.00
What's wrong with this picture???