I was one of just a few NOT pregnant this year at the family Christmas dinner. Any lingering sadness I had about that fact was soon dispelled last night when I stopped at JC Penney and was accosted not once but thrice by hellish little urchins.

The first duo came up and stood next to me – and I mean right up against my leg – while I was searching for a size L shirt in an endless stack of Smalls (marked down to $2.77!). These two were old enough to know that going up to strangers and staring at them and making faces was not appropriate conduct. I was, however, slightly shocked that my instant response was to say sternly, “GO AWAY!” This failed to move the two evil creatures, so I asked, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” When they refused to go away, I finally had to abandon that stack of clearance items.
The next two encounters of the sugared-up hellion kind resulted from, to the best of my estimation, games of tag amongst the racks of clothing.

Imagine – just hours earlier I had been lamenting my poor bored, nearly-30-year-old uterus.

Obituary Watch
Now it wouldn't be the holidays without critiquing the obits, would it?

In today's Daily Mail, one obit ends with the following lines: "Jimmy's greatest desire was to go to Heaven and be reunited with Dad, Mom and wife, Lois. He finally has made it! "

Sadly, 'twas not the Hillbilly Sophisticate who struck it rich in the yuletide Powerball drawing. I did, however, win a whopping $4 for matching the Powerball number and one other number. My winnings bought one bag of Wow potato chips and a soda.

Over all, I was impressed with the winner's performance at the press conference today. (You could, by the way, see the dollar signs go cha-ching in the Governor & tax commissioner's eyes.) When I heard the ticket had been sold in West Virginia, I began fearing that the winner would be some redneck in flourescent orange camouflage who would belt out in stereotypical hick-speak, "I'M GONNA GET ME BOAT! A REAL BIG BOAT!" OK, I was mildly annoyed that the winner was already a millionaire, but he sounds like he's really going to do some good things with the money.

More obituary follies (see also related Dec. 6 rant)
I suppose it's not exactly in the spirit of the season, but I've once again turned my attention to the obituaries appearing in the state's major newspapers. Honest to goodness, I don't know what goes through people's minds when they craft obits that begin with lines such as the following:

"(name of deceased), 82, of _____ was suddenly called home."
Suddenly called home?? Had she left the oven on?

"(Name of deceased), went to be with his Heavenly Father, Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ and his guide, the Holy Spirit through life (date), at his home after a long and courageous battle with cancer." Uh...wow, I think you've covered all the bases with that one.

"(Name of deceased) of Charleston departed this earthly plane on after a long illness."
Oh yes, the word "life" is so tired and overused -- "earthly plane" is FAR better.


This one is so bizarre it merits copying more than just the first line:
"(Name of deceased) passed away last night among those who loved her.
She was a beautiful flower who touched others with her glow.
Her fragrance will forever be impressed upon the hearts of those touched by her.
(Name of deceased) left this world to start a new life in Heaven."

Her fragrance? ACK! Even if I die young, I don't want anyone writing about my fragrance, nor do I particularly care that any one have my fragrance "forever impressed upon" his/her heart!

Byrd's big screen debut
Senator happy with small role in ‘Gods and Generals'

Oh, great, there's no better time for our esteemed West Virginia Senator to appear on the front page of The Daily Mail wearing a confederate uniform. Why not put him on horseback and drape him with a white sheet? Why, in the name of God, didn't one of his staffers realize it might not be a wise idea for Sen. "I've-changed-since-my-Klan-days" to portray a CONFEDERATE general in a movie?

I got the brilliant idea of making some of my family's old Christmas cookie recipes. Old recipes, not cookies. Anyway, I've been in the kitchen struggling with such vague instructions as "add enough flour to make stiff batter," "bake in hot oven" and "bake until done." ARGH! The Hillbilly Sophisticate needs explicit directions when it comes to cooking!

From the Deep Thoughts department:
Why do some parents agonize over getting their infant's hair cut for the first time but have no second thoughts about circumcision?

Looks like Seattle Times writer Nicole Brodeur caught quite a bit of hell about her article. I find myself in the strange position of feeling that I need to stick up for Ms. Brodeur. While I initially was perturbed about her references to West Virginia, I am a sane enough hillbilly to recognize the irony in West Virginia joining Massachusetts in appealing an antitrust settlement between Microsoft and the government.

I bet she was surprised by the outcry in support of WV. You see, most people who grow up in WV have to leave (to find jobs), so we're scattered all over the country, including, apparently, in the Pacific northwest. And most of us, while realizing our home state is a wee bit isolated, continue to hold a fierce loyalty and pride in the West Virginia hills, including its oddities like locales named Paw Paw, Big Ugly, Onego, and War (I could go on and on).

The following went out on the AP wire this morning:
U.S. attorney says W.Va. good place for terrorists to hide
December 09, 2002 7:57 AM -- Charleston
The US Attorney for southern West Virginia says that if he were a terrorist looking for a good place to hide and plan an attack, he would come to West Virginia.

Kasey Warner says West Virginia's illegal drug and gun networks, central location on the East Coast, remote hollows, chemical plants and interstate highways make it an ideal location for terrorists.

He is convinced the next major terrorist attack will be in the "heartland."

Uh, I'm confused. Is this part of the state's new tourism campaign? Is he asking that terrorists relocate here? 'Cause that's certainly what it sounds like. "We gotch yer remote hollows and chemical plants right here! That's right -- acres and acres of untouched wilderness for your terrorist camps! Teach your recruits to scale tall buildings using West Virginia's scenic Seneca Rocks! Prepare for an attack-by-ocean on the Gauley River! If it's terrorism on the rails that you're preparing for, how about practicing on a Shay steam-drive locomotive?"

Any West Virginia sympathizer should read the following if you really want to get your blood boiling:
Big attitude from wild West Virginia
I'm slightly impressed that Ms. Brodeur did enough research to find out there are towns in West Virginia called Big Ugly and Paw Paw, but I'm a little puzzled that she chose Paw Paw as one of the oddest names. Obviously, she may not be acquainted with the Paw Paw TREE and the delectable banana-like fruits it bears. The Paw Paw tree grows wild in "wild West Virginia" -- folks in other parts of the U.S. have to order the trees from nurseries (yes, I HAVE seen them in catalogs). Because I'm filled with generous holiday spirit, I'm tempted to offer Ms. Brodeur an all-expenses-paid trip to War, WV. Ah, come on, Ms. Brodeur, just kidding -- I do realize that your column is pro-WV in a roundabout, back-handed sort of way.

I am a firm believer that it is criminal for newspapers to charge to print obituaries. If they want to edit them down to a couple of paragraphs, then fine -- do it. But don't, for the love of God, give people the option of paying for longer obits and - gasp - ALLOW PEOPLE TO WRITE THEIR OWN! No, no, no! While it might seem that writing is a simple enough thing and just any old person of the street could craft a normal obituary, this is obviously not the case, based on the embarrassing tributes that plague most of West Virginia's newspapers (now that the newspapers have started charging and adopting an anything-goes policy). Of course, I understand the family's position, too, having had to provide info for an obit once myself. If there's an option to PAY for a BIG obituatury, then grieving families probably feel they have to in order to properly memorialize the deceased -- to not PAY for the obit would be an indicator that the deceased was not truly loved, right? So I want to tell my survivors right now -- the who, what, when, where and how is just fine for me.

Today's edition of the local newspaper contains four obituaries, and of the four deceased, only one simply died. The rest were "called home to his Lord and Savior," "went to be with the Lord," and "went to be with her Heavenly Father." These creative descriptions of death often lead to rather comical implications, such as: "(Name of Deceased) went to be with the Lord on Tuesday, Dec. 3, 2002, at Monongalia General Hospital in Morgantown," which makes it sound like the Lord is AT Monongalia General Hospital in Morgantown and the deceased decided to go there and join Him. The individual who was "called home to his Lord and Savior" was summoned, apparently, at Big Bear Lake -- " (Name of Deceased) was called home to his Lord and Savior Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2002 at Big Bear Lake." That conjures up all sorts of mystical Native American images, and, I imagine, was wholly unintended by the grieving family.

An even more disturbing phenomenon is including messages directed to the deceased, such as one obit in today's Charleston Gazette which includes, "Jim, we miss you and look forward to seeing you in Heaven." Do they honestly believe this sentiment is going to reach the deceased? That Jim, who "went to his eternal home with the Lord, Dec. 3, 2002" is pulling up the online version of the Gazette to see if his loved ones miss him?

(9th circuit) Federal Court Rules Citizens Do Not Have Individual Right to Bear Arms
Now the folks who want to edit God out of the Pledge of Allegiance say we have no right to carry firearms. The Fox News story contains the following understatement of the century:
The 9th Circuit has been known for rulings to the left of its peers.

This just in from my aunt, who lives across the border in Ohio. She reports the following incompetence from her local newspaper when trying to place a classified ad for her car.

The ad she submitted, spelling out each word to the lady taking the information:
1996 Ford Contour V6. Loaded. 62,500 miles. Looks, runs great. Pampered. One owner. $4300. (Phone number)
The ad that appeared today read as follows:
1996 Ford Contour V6. Load. Sixty two thousand five hundred miles, Looks, runs great. Tampered. One owner. 4,300 dollars. (Phone number -- listed correctly, miraculously)

If I get one more spam about "farm girls go wild" someone's gonna have to deal with a "hillbilly gone mad."

After surviving Thanksgiving without any noticeable food poisoning, I woke up this morning and realized that I only have 24 days to shop for Christmas -- many of those days may be consumed with packing, moving, and cleaning the old-lady smell out of the new residence. So I donned my best sweat pants and decided to go a'shopping.

When I scraped the snow and ice off my windshield, I discovered that my windshield had spontaneously cracked. Oh, what luck I have.

But why should a cracked windshield get in the way of a shopping spree? I went anyway and had a highly successful trip. That is, until I got the goods home and started boxing up the items for wrapping and noticed that the cashier had left the ink tag on one of the sweaters. This is the second time this has happened to me at a JC Penney store. Wish I had that kind of luck with Powerball. Even though I have the receipt -- proof that I've spent over $100 at their store -- I feel like such a low-life criminal going back in and begging them to remove the ink tag.

The bird is in the fridge thawing. Won't be blogging much this week because I must watch Food Network 24/7 to figure out what to do with this stupid thing.

And this just in from Jesus...
This evening I heard the Rev. Jim Ball of EEN (Evangelical Ecological Network of Washington, D.C.) illuminating the viewers of FoxNews' The Big Story with John Gibson about, and I'm not kidding, WHAT WOULD JESUS DRIVE! It seems Rev. Ball believes Jesus prefers that we drive the "most fuel efficient vehicles available" -- not SUVs. Wow, I had no idea Jesus was troubled with fuel efficiency! Thanks, Rev. Ball, for enlightening me. Although Rev. Ball didn't elaborate on just what vehicles Jesus prefers, I imagine it must be something like this. I must now go e-mail my uncle, a minister, and give him the sad news that Jesus opposes his Jeep Cherokee.

Hmmm, maybe in addition to automobile critiques, Jesus is in the business of home inspections. When I opened up the local yellow pages yesterday, I found the following entry:
Christian Home Inspection Services
I'm not sure what that entails, but I sure as heck would love to turn them loose on my downstairs neighbors.

Oooooh, uncanny, indeed. Take a look at the Ara-fish, courtesy of Little Green Footballs.

If I elaborated on the events of the past week, you wouldn't believe me -- it's been stranger than fiction. So let me just give the following reasons for not blogging much:
1) I bought a house.
2) A co-worker committed suicide.

Could someone get Emeril on the horn and see what marinade to use on this Tibetan mountain chicken?!

Oh good grief. SwissInfo has several great offerings from Reuters today. Tack this one up next to the one about the ex-nun who beats evil out of children:

"A German zookeeper, fired last month for eating animals in a town zoo, has been awarded six-months severance pay after reaching a settlement in a labour court. The town of Recklinghausen, north of Cologne, fired the zookeeper after he was caught barbecuing five Tibetan mountain chickens and two Cameroonian sheep at the zoo, popular with children who were allowed to stroke the animals."

Canadian ex-nun jailed for spanking kids

I must admit I've ranted and raved about misbehaving children who ruin my dining or shopping experiences. I've even wished I could physically restrain such brats, but I suppose the nun is taking it a bit far:

"The trial was highlighted by dramatic testimony of the children who said they were beaten for trivial and even unknown reasons, sometimes up to 39 times with a paddle known as the rod.

"Poulin testified during the trial that children were born evil and the Bible says to beat it out of them."

Neighbor Hell Update
The animal abusers frenzied fornicators neighbors from hell have added a part-husky dog to their palace of sin household. This would be problem enough if they treated the dog humanely as dogs are strictly prohibited by our lease agreements. Don't get me wrong -- I LOVE dogs. I cannot, however, stand to watch ignorant trash morons mistreat animals.
So, I have started looking for houses and am considering making an offer on a modest shack dwelling on a flat lot (almost unheard of here in Mountaineer city) in a quiet neighborhood across town.

Will be out of town and not blogging through Tuesday, Nov. 5...not that it matters.

Little Green Footballs has the most adorable Halloween photo posted today.

I'm happy to report that Ronald Lantz, the truck driver who spotted the snipers, is originally from Ellamore, W. Va.

Hey, I think we've found the answer for dealing with Saddam!

Popular Weed Killer Feminizes Native Leopard Frogs Across Midwest

An Open Letter to my Downstairs Neighbors
Dear camouflage guy and Skankzilla be-pierced live-in girlfriend,

We've been living under the same roof for a whole week now -- my how time drags on when you're in a perpetual state of rage!

If it's not too much trouble, could you possibly smoke a few more packs of cigarettes each day? You see, your cigarette stench is not permeating my apartment quite as much as I'd like. There's nothing more refreshing than a nice nicotine buzz when I return home after a hard day of mind games work.

Given your keen interest in screwing like crazed gibbons fornication, I turned up tonight's episode of TLC's Maternity Ward for your benefit. Hope you enjoyed that.

Also, I notice that you drive a clunker very aged vehicle. It occurred to me that perhaps a 1970s Range Rover would offer a slightly louder exhaust system. I'm so thankful that you drive in each night at midnight and rev your engine in front of my bedroom window. There's nothing more disorienting than falling asleep and not awaking once before dawn.

Finally, in the name of all that's holy, MUST YOU SLAM THE FRICKING DOOR each and every time you enter and exit your den of carnal pleasure apartment?

With Malice Sincerely,
The Bitch Tenant Upstairs

Well, this is a day late because of Blogspot hell last night...

Coons invade Germany

Raccoons ueber alles! Rantburg has a great story (and commentary) about a raccoon invasion of Germany. Word is the French have gone ahead and surrendered to the raccoons, just to be on the safe side.

College students outraged by fliers, not Klan

Today's issue of the local campus newspaper contained this disturbing headline: "Ku Klux Klan distributes fliers near campus." So I read the story and learned that the fliers showed "a Klansman on horseback holding a flaming cross" and the words "Join the night riders. They are fighting for your future." So, what does the guy who discovered the fliers say? (would link to article but it's not included on their site today)

"Personally, I was upset to read it," said Tom Vanraaphorst. "I come from a family with a lot of police officers, and you should not be sending those around."

Huh?

As if that's not enough to make you lose faith in the twenty-something generation (of which I'm technically a member for a few more months), then how about this pearl of wisdom that comes later in the story:

"Obviously they want to be taken seriously," said Ben Anderson, one of several who found the flier. "I just think it's pretty ignorant. It's one thing to hand out the fliers, but another to just drop it on someone's car."

Oh my God, yes! THAT indeed is the most horrific part of the whole incident! Dressing up in sheets, burning crosses and general hatemongering we can understand, but DROPPING FLIERS ON CARS -- THAT IS CRIMINAL!

GAHHHHHHHHHH.

Now that it turns out the "serial sniper" just happens to be Muslim, this will give the media another gleeful opportunity to explain to us how peaceful the religion of Islam really is. What kind of sick culture do we have when we consistently exalt characteristics of those who commit crimes or terrorize us?

So how long till the Chief Moose made-for-TV movie debuts? Any guesses?

and this just in...

Employees forced to find alternative communication methods during e-mail outage
ANYTOWN, W.Va. - During a day-long outage of Vandalia University’s e-mail system, faculty and staff were forced to improvise in order to carry on the university’s business.

According to Joe Smith, director of information technology, the e-mail server crashed at approximately 9:02 a.m. EST Tuesday.

“I actually had to get up and walk down to payroll instead of e-mailing our leave reports,” said Shirley Bevins, administrative assistant in VU’s housing office. “But I guess it was kind of nice. I’d never met Cindy (in payroll) before and we’ve e-mailed probably a thousand times. She’s a lot older than I would have guessed.”

Another employee credits the e-mail outage for discovering that his cousin works downstairs in the same building. “I knew Sam worked for the Controller’s Office, but I didn’t realize, until today, that his office is right below mine,” said an incredulous Steve Byers, international programs coordinator. “I went downstairs to turn in my travel reimbursement requests, and there was Sam!”

Byers says the two plan to carpool to work from now on.

Other employees showed true ingenuity during the crisis.

"Our secretary dragged the fax machine out of storage so we could get our conference registration papers in on time. She really saved the day," said Bill Street, department of foreign languages.

Smith estimates that e-mail service should be restored by approximately 9 p.m. tonight. “Overall, I think this has been a good community-building experience that we’ve had to live through today,” he concluded.

As reported by FoxNews.com this morning re: the sniper's note:
The Los Angeles Times also reported Tuesday that unidentified federal agents said the letter was "very lengthy" and poorly worded, bordering on broken English.

While this may seem significant, let's keep in mind that many (if not most) adult Americans could be characterized as writing in 'broken English' -- take it from someone who's witnessed first-hand the horrors of college freshman prose.

Buying lingerie in Riyadh

Here's a great AP article about Saudi Arabian women buying lingerie. Jehayeir al-Muassaid says the following, as quoted in the article:

''What makes me livid is that it's OK for a woman to buy underwear from a man who pulls and stretches each piece to show her how it can accommodate a certain body part and then rubs it to show her how she can wash out stains, but it's not OK for her to buy from a man a book that would enrich her as a person,'' she added. ''What kind of logic is that?''

Oh great...the sniper(s) is/are on the move. Guess who lives at the intersection of two major interstates.

If we have to have a sniper(s), though, why can't he/they get rid of the people who keep sending me e-mails about enlarging my non-existent penis?

Normally I love FoxNews. The Collagen Queen of "On the Record," however, absolutely drives me over the friggin edge. Tonight when I turned on the television she was interviewing some random policeman, asking about the finer points of shutting down a big highway like the ones around D.C. He wisely noted that there are many things to consider, such as slowing down traffic in a safe manner. GAHHHHH.

A friend of mine took me to the local Middle Eastern restaurant (or, as the sign says "middleeastern") tonight. It's a rather creepy little place -- for westerners, anyway. I'm sure for the local "middleeastern" population it's just peachy. I will say, however, the staff was overly friendly.

So, anyway, this place has Arabic TV piped in live. For most of our 'dinner' (I wasn't fond of the food), the show playing seemed to be some sort of complex "middleeastern" soap opera. Then, at the top of the hour, there was, presumably, a news program. An outline of the United States suddenly appeared on the screen, along with a few lines in Arabic. There was a little box over the general vacinity of Washington, D.C. (and another curiously placed just off the coast of southern California). I looked at my friend and said, "Do you find that disturbing?" She did.

Teehee. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, the anti-war folks are trying to make their presence known on the local college campus. This story in the local newspaper today tells what a hard time they're having. Here are some excerpts:

The group meets every Thursday in Woodburn Hall, but the word doesn't always get out -- because fliers posted for the meetings don't last very long.
"They stay up maybe 15 minutes tops," Fritz said. "People come right behind us and tear them down. And these are just random students. Anybody."

And

Coalition member Ashley Malott ... was called "a terrorist" by a person who phoned her house.
"I'm hardly a terrorist," she said. "They gave a name and said they were with ROTC, but I don't believe that."
Fritz said the coalition will reach out to campus military at the parade, holding signs that will read, "Please don't send the ROTC to die."

LOL - I'm sure that will appease the ROTC.

Shelley Moore Capito and Jim Humphreys have raised about $7 million (combined) for the West Virginia 2nd district U.S. Senate race. Humphreys' share of that is $4.9 million, nearly all of which came from his personal wealth (gag). The Republican (Capito) has raised $2 million, none of which, reportedly, came from her personal stash of loot. When Humphreys and Capito squared off 2 years ago for the same seat, Humphreys shelled out $6.1 million of his own money. So, in the past few years, he's spent around $10 million on this little hobby of his.

MEANWHILE, the West Virginia Economic Development Grant committee has been meeting to consider proposals, such as:
a $1 million request to help fund modernization and renovation of the Martinsburg airport
$1 million for the renovation and expansion of a community hospital in southern WV
$1.48 million toward developing a business park in Putnam County

I think you see my point. If Humphreys has all this dough to spend on piss-poor TV ads (which always seem to begin: "The son of a garbage collector..."), wouldn't it be a nice gesture to fund one of these projects?

GASP -- a fellow blogger has linked to me...now the pressure's on.

Oh dear, I can't believe The Washington Post printed such an insane list of "Tips for Staying Safe" which included the following:

When moving outside, walk briskly in a zigzag pattern.

Uh, here in WV we assume anything walking in a zigzag pattern is rabid and shoot it immediately before it infects the hounds. Not such wise advice.

With deer season right around the corner, perhaps The White-tail Deer Journal will pick up these tips for its readership.

So the anti-war crowd has finally started organizing on the campus of WVU. Via photocopied signs taped up around campus the organizers invite like-minded individuals to join them in marching in the annual Homecoming parade. This strikes me as somewhat lame. I hope they at least adopt a catchy slogan to chant, such as "Beat Syracuse, not Saddam!"

It's yet to be determined if Osama bin Laden will be represented in this year's Homecoming parade, but I imagine his likeness would be stunning when replicated in crepe paper and chicken wire.

Overheard today in Baghdad: "Where shall I put this giant turkey hoagie, Saddam? The Pennsylvanians have been most generous to send such a fine sandwich to congratulate us on our election victory."

Was I the only one a little let down by the long-awaited "graphic" of the white box truck? I mean, when it was first announced that they were looking for a "white box truck," that's pretty much what I envisioned. Furthermore, it was also a low point for humanity when, during the press conference, police chief Charles Moose had to make it painfully clear that the real words on the truck were not "Unknown Words Unknown Words" as shown in the picture.

I wonder if the Bible-beaters who oppose Harry Potter have ever watched CBS's Touched by an Angel. This week's installment of the pathetic series revolved around a demon masquerading as an angel. This demon chick had eyes that turned red, and, at one point, she willed a shelf full of glasses to fall to the ground (while at a bar -- why angels spend so much time in bars is yet another fascinating element of this show).


I should note that I had to watch this show because I was visiting my father, who is a fan of it. To be fair, he also watches Will & Grace, so I think this offsets his poor judgment in Saturday night TV viewing.

Thanks to fellow bloggers who led me to the "inner feline" test. I'm a snow leopard ;-). I find the description completely inaccurate, but I enjoy the photo nonetheless. Click on the photo to take the test for yourself.

A fluffy snow-cat, you're always able to appreciate a soft bed and a quiet moment of thoughtful contemplation, though you don't let this mindset inhibit your social life - a friend to all, you're never too busy to offer a hug to anyone who may need it.

Everybody and his brother is commenting on this psycho sniper. MSNBC.com includes the following insightful statement by the American Tarot Association (proving that there is indeed an association for everything):
“Because that person appears to share the popular misconception that the card (referring to the death card) is associated with physical death, that person likely knows very little about the tarot, and is most likely not a tarot reader,” the American Tarot Association said in a statement.

Well, that certainly narrows down the list of potential suspects.

Yesterday's expenditures:
Lunch: $4.23
Groceries: $7.50
Cat Maintenance: $97.00
What's wrong with this picture???